Naruto The strongest shinobi EVAR!
by ToxicManipulator
Summary: A parody of Naruto, my way.VERY FUNNY. Beware of mature content mentioned. Overall it should be pretty funny, if not..*shrugs* meh, not my problem. I'd like to state right now, that there will BE NO PAIRINGS, AT ALL! Enjoy reading, please review. Bye byE
1. Chapter 1

It was a bright sunny day in Konoha and all was well. Birdies were chirping, dogs were barking and villagers were beating up a 6 year old blonde boy, that looked 3 years old due to malnutrition. The villagers had started using whips and phallic objects on the boy by now, scarring him for the rest of his life. Soon one of the female villagers that had been beating on the blonde ripped open her shirt for the boy to see.

"You see that, eh?! One of my boobs were cut off my you, ya demon fox bastard!" and indeed she appeared to be a one-boobed chick. The blonde looked at her, and with the last of his energy, reached up, knowing he would die soon, and tried to make the best out of his life. He proceeded to squish her boob. Honk. Honk.

Needless to say, the blonde was soon beaten into within an inch of his life.

* * *

Waking up, the blonde noticed he was soaked in water. Standing up he saw he was knee deep in the water. 

"Ahh hell! And I just had these ironed!"

Then as if by a miracle, the blonde smelled food. Ramen in particular. Deciding to follow the smell, the blonde came across a large gate with a piece of paper at the front. On this paper was written 'seal'

Looking further the blonde saw a table and a chair with a bowl of steaming ramen on the other side of the cage. Shrugging, the blonde tore off the paper that sealed the gate, opened the gate and sat down to eat the ramen.

Soon the blonde felt he was being watched by someone and took a discrete look around. Meaning he swung his head in all directions, broth flying all over.

"WHOSE THERE!?"

Hearing a cough, the blonde turned and saw a red haired woman, with the loveliest melons he ever did see, clothed in a pink kimono. Her eyes were red, aswell as her ruby lips.

"I am... The Kyuubi no Kitsune!" she said.

The blonde jumped up from his seat, then turned to her, settling himself into a martial arts style.

"Im Uzumaki Naruto! I know Karate, Jujutsu, Aikido, Taekwondo and a whole other lot of Chinese words! Don't mess with me!"

The woman let out a giggle, causing a part of the blonde's body to knock downstairs.

"So you're Uzumaki Naruto?" she asked rethorically.

The blonde's eyes widened in amazement.

"How did you know my name!!" he asked star-struck.

The woman sweat dropped.

"You just told, remember?" she said.

"Oh.."

Eyes returning to the woman, the blonde continued yelling at her.

"What do you want WITH MEH?!"

Smirking, the woman stood tall, back straight, nose in the air.

"I'm going to make you very strong, so that you can beat the shit out of all those people that hurt you, in return for something..." she finished slyly.

The blonded thought a bit, eyes crossing over each other, making him look skew, before he spoke.

"Hey! You're trying to trick me and make me free you! Sorry not going to work!"

Again, the woman sweat dropped.

"Actually... you already freed me when you ripped that paper off the gate and opened it."

The blonde's face turned white.

"UH buh but but, how, who?" he stuttered.

Smirking, the vixen spoke.

"No need to worry. I'm not going to take control of you or leave here for a reason that i will not share with you."

The blonde nodded dumbly. "O-kay! So what do you want me to do?"

Smirking, the vixen spoke. "You're going to be a heartbreaker!" she finished gushing at him.

* * *

And so, six years later, we see a blonde walking down the streets of Konoha. His whiskers had faded and his hair had grown long. His hair was very, very silky for some reason and he no longer had spikes that made him resemble the fourth hokage in any way. His nails were painted purple, and he walked with an elegance that was not seen in Konoha. He wore black skin tight clothing, and had a red cloak on his shoulders. 

While walking, girls would look in his direction, blushing and giggling. Most men looked at him in jealousy, while others also looked at him blushing. Eventually the blonde reached the ninja academy.

Walking into the class everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at the blonde. Two girls who were argueing about who gets to sit next to the class queer, uchiha sasuke, when the blonde boy approach the table.

"Mind if I sit here, Uchiha-kun?" the blonde asked kindly.

The raven haired boy/queer, no identified as Uchiha look up.

'Must remain cool and aloof in front on sexy Naru-chan...'

"I WANT YOUR BABIES!" he shouted. He quickly clapped his hands to his mouth and looked down blushing.

The entire class had gone silent at that, even the two bickering girls.

Soon the blonde haired boy spoke.

"I'm flattered you would say that Uchiha-kun, but i'm afraid im asexual"

Now the entire class was even more quiet than after the queer had proclaimed his love.

A white eyed, blue-ish haired little girl stood up, yelling.

"WHAT!! You mean i've been wasting my time pasting pictures of your head on all my porno's and then masturbating to them for NOTHING?!! YOU BITCH!"

The blonde, blinked then shrugged, taking a seat next to the class queer.

Eventually Iruka came into the class and began to speak

"Alright everyone, since you've all passed the test, you're all obviously here to hear what teams you're on."

Clearing his throat, Iruka began.

"Team 7, Uzumaki Naruto, Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura. Team 8, etc. Team 9,etc. and finally Team 10, etc."

Iruka smiled brightly at the class. "Well thats it!"

The class soon erupted into chaos. Kiba being the first to speak.

"HEY! Who the hell is etc.? What team am I on?"

Iruka blinked, before speaking. "Don't worry about it, the magic powers of unlogical-ness-ness-ish-ness will let you know when the time is right, untill then. HAVE A HAPPY DAY!"

That said, Iruka disappeared in a pink girly puff of smoke. With GLITTER too!

* * *

Later, all the teams had been picked up, and the last three in the class were still waiting for their teacher to come. They had been waiting for three hours now.

The queer had been keeping himself busy masturbating in a corner while looking at the blonde. "Oh yeah.. yeah.. you like that. YEAH!"

The pink banshee had been keeping herself busy by masterbating, while looking at Sasuke masturbate at Naruto. "Yeah, yeah! You like that sasu-chan, DONT YOU!?"

And the blonde haired, heart breaker, had been keeping himself busy, painting his nails purple.

The door opened and a silver haired man walked into the class, and saw what the three were doing, then sweat dropped.

'Great... Just perfect! I've got two sex starved nympho's and a girly boy. Hmm, now that I think about it, he does kinda look like Naruko chan in Icha icha paradise volume 13: attack of the lesbian lords!'

Clearing his throat he spoke. "I hate you all, and the feeling is probably mutual. Now! With that out of the way, LETS GO TEAM!"

With that, he proceeded to walk off to god knows where.

* * *

Team 7 were now situated on top of the academy roof. Sasuke looking at Naruto, Sakura looking at Sasuke, and Naruto checking his hair in a mirror. Kakashi just... stared at them.

"Okay! Now... Introductions!"Kakashi said.

Pink haired banshee spoke. "But sensei! Aren't you supposed to tell us about yourself first? You look kind of suspicious after all.." she finished nodding her head sagely.

Sweat dropping, kakashi looked at himself.

'I'm not suspicious. I just like wearing a mask, concealing my identity and having shifty beady eye/s to not get caught by the law! Is THAT SO BAD?!'

Coughing, kakashi spoke. "Okay then! I'm Hatake Kakashi! I like shit, i hate shit, i do shit for hobbies and i dream of doing naughty things with girls looking like Naruto there." he finished pointing at Naruto there. "Now then! You, pinky, with the pink hair, that has white stains on her legs, yeah you, the one thinking of doing all sorts of freaky shit with sasuke. Tell us about yourself."

Blushing, the pink banshee spoke. "I'm Haruno Sakura, I like taking pictures of sasuke and sticking them all over my room's walls, floor and ceiling. I dislike it when sasuke doesn't want to shack up with me, my hobbies include stalking Sasuke, stalking sasuke and sometimes stalking sasuke. My dream is to have my wicked with with sasuke." she finished grinning, as if nothing she said was strange.

Nodding, serious expression on his face, kakashi pointed to sasuke.

"I'm Uchiha Sasuke, I like dreaming dreams of myself and Naru-chan...leers at Naruto I dislike girls, and anything related to vagina's. My hobbies include stalking Naru-chan and holding my Naru-plushy. My dream is to make Naru-chan scream my name very loudly and my ambition is the kill my Aniki-chan!" he finished in a cheery voice.

Kakshi, tapped his chin in thought, 'So... he still wants to kill Itachi heh? Guess i'll have to beat that the shit out of him.' , he then pointed at the last one to introduce himself.

Naruto, looked up, flicking his long girly hair that was in his eyes backward, causing sasuke sitting nearby to let a trail of blood out of his nose.

"I'm Uzumaki Naruto, I like reading, cooking, swimming, playing tennis and mayonnaise. I don't really dislike anything. My hobbies include, painting my nails, combing my hair, and looking at my flawless beautiful face for any flaws. My dream is to meet my Mommy and Daddy some day." he finished, a stray tear running out of his eye.

Sasuke looked like he wanted to cry, before pumping his fist into the air, a glint in his eyes. "DON'T WORRY MY NARU-CHAN! I'LL FIND A TECHNIQUE THAT WILL BRING THEM BACK TO LIFE FOR YOU! THEN AFTER THAT WE CAN HAVE HOT HOMO SEX! YEAH!"

Sakura looked heart broken, before she also got a glint in her eye and did the same as sasuke. "DON'T WORRY NARUTO-BAKA! I'LL HELP SASU-CHAN FIND THAT TECHNIQUE AND BRING YOUR PARENTS BACK, THEN AFTER THAT WE CAN HAVE A GOT SEXY THREESOME, YEAH!"

Naruto and Kakashi looked at the two of them and sweat dropped.

'Why do I always get all the crazies?' they both thought.

* * *

The next day, team7 were waiting waiting for kakashi to show up. Sasuke was sitting under a tree looking at Naruto that was standing at the bridge, looking forlornly out into the water. Sakura was standing behind sasuke putting a single hair that had fallen out of the queer's haid into a bag labled 'SASU-CHAN'S LOVELY LOCKS!'.

Eventually kakashi arrived. The first thing he saw was Naruto standing on the bridge, the wind blowing his hair in a very dramatic way.

'Wierdo...'

"Aaaaa-anyway! We will now begin the test! I have here in my hands two condoms. Those that get a condom pass. Okay?!"

Sakura was the first to point out the obvious. "But sensei! There are only two condoms and only three of us? What now?"

Kakashi smiled. "Not to worry, there WAS a third one, but an old lady asked for a favor after i had bad luck with a cat, she asked me to take away her virginity, and being the gentleman i am, i complied. It may be a bit green and sticky, but it's where the third one is."

Smiling, kakashi spoke. "Don't forget to come at me with sexual intent to kill! BEGIN!"

Naruto disappeared into the bushes, while sasuke and sakura remained out in the open.

Kakashi sweat dropped. "Uh.. you two are a bit wierd."

Sasuke, the first to speak... spoke. "I WILL GET THE CONDOMS FOR MY LOVE NARU-CHAN! THIS IS A TEST OF THE POWER OF LOVE!" that said, the raven haired queer ran towards kakashi in a straight line. flailing his arms around madly.

Sakura soon followed. "I'M COMING SASU-CHAN! ILL HELP BY GETTING THE THIRD CONDOM!"

Meanwhile, Naruto was in another clearing, laying on his stomach, left leg raised in the air. He was busy reading a magazine titled 'Looking good and you'

Soon he heard sounds coming from the bushes and saw kakashi coming towards him with a roped on his shoulder, a pink banshee and a queer tied to it, both passed out.

Naruto raised a delecate eyebrow, "I take it they didn't succeed?"

Kakashi nodded, and proceeded to tie both to two of the three logs in that clearing, motioning for Naruto to come.

When Naruto arrived, kakashi spoke. "Alright, wake them up Naruto-kun"

Naruto nodded and proceeded to bitch slap them both. "WAKE UP MAGOTS!" he shouted, his voice remaining as sexy and girly as it always was.

Both were instant awake, sakura groaning, and sasuke moaning. Sasuke spoke. "Yeah, BEAT ME NARU-CHAN! I LIKE IT" he screamed, not noticing the white liquid dripping down his leg from inside his pants.

Sighing, kakashi spoke. "You're all unfit to be shinobi, i should probably just kill you and make everyone's life a whole lot easier. But instead, against my better judgement, i'll give you all one more chance after lunch. Naruto-kun, you're can eat, they can't. Give them food and you fail, BYE!" that said he disappeared.

Shrugging, the blonde sat down and began painting his nails, while reading his magazine.

/// Three hours later ////

Kakashi was hiding in a bush nearby. 'Come on Naruto... You're going to feed them... anyyy moment now.. any-yyy moment now...'

Back at the clearing Naruto had just finished reading his magazine and painting all his nails. He stood up and freed both sasuke and sakura from their bondages. Both's arms and legs appeared purple because of the rope holding them their for so long. Naruto spoke in his girly sexy voice. "You two should eat, we probably failed. No need in wasting good food, right?"

After having said that, a lightning storm erupted all around them, tree's were blown askew, and cows could be seen flying through the sky. The Kakashi appeared in front of them

"YOU!! YOU NO GOOD LITTEL SHITS! DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!!"

Naruto, nodded, in a sexy way. "Mmm hmmm"

"I gave them food kakashi-sensei." Naruto said, stating the obvious.

Turning to the impassive, unscared blonde, kakashi yelled. "WELL YOU KNOW WHAT??? YOU pass! Congratulations"

Naruto looked indifferent, while sakura and sasuke looked at kakashi, openly gaping. "Ubu-wah?"

Smiling, kakashi spoke. "EX-ACTLY! Meet me here tomorrow at 4 am so that we can begin with our first mission. BYE!"

With a puff of smoke, kakashi was gone.

Smiling seductively, at least he thought he did, sasuke turned to Naruto. "Naru-chan, you wanna come back to my place?"

"No" was his curt answer, as he too disappeared in a puff of smoke, his being purple and girly in color. No glitter though.

Smiling seductively, Sakura turned to Sasuke. "Hey Sasu-chan, you wanna shack up with me at my place? MY mother wont mind, she'll be busy with the donkey outside."

"NO! I WAN'T NARU-CHAN, NOT YOU! HMPH!" with that Sasuke stalked off.

Shrugging, Sakura, skipped along, following sasuke into the setting sun, a rainbow above them.

* * *

Well? What do you think? It's my first attempt at a parody, hope i didn't butcher it too much. Please review.

Sayonara!

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

It was yet another bright sunny day in Konoha. Naruto had just finished his flower scented bubble bath, and dried himself off with his fluffy towel. He had just entered his bedroom and was in the process of putting some clothes on when he looked to the window and saw sasuke, a.k.a the queer, looking inside lecherously, right hand hidden in his pants, making odd thrusting motions.

After having put his clothes on, the blonde disappeared in a girly purple puff of smoke, much to the queer's horror.

"NARU-CHAN!"

* * *

Naruto reappeared at the far side of Konoha, miles away from his home. It was now 3:55 am in the morning. The blonde decided to find something that would keep him busy while he waited for Kakashi to show up. Seeing a shop that was open at this time in the morning, the blonde went inside. 

Inside the shop, Naruto found many books with a content restriction of 18 and older. Shrugging, the blonde pulled a random magazine from a pile of... magazine's. While flipping through the book, Naruto noticed a familiar face in the shop.

At a very dark corner in the shop, he could see a whited eyed, blue-ish haired girl flipping through a book titled 'Yaoi - when blonde's get sexy'. Every several seconds she would let out a moan, probably caused by her hand hidden between her legs, under her clothes. She would also sometimes whisper. Naruto had to strain his ears to hear. "Yeah Naru-chan... You like it down there! Nice and tight, hmmmm.." she whispered, drool trailing out of her mouth.

The blonde involuntarily let out a shudder, then took a book titled 'Your nails and you' from another pile of books, bought it, and left, not noticing many other white eyed, silky haired people hidden in the shop.

* * *

When Naruto arrived at the clearing where his team was to meet Kakashi, he saw Sasuke and Sakura both seated under a tree. Both were sound asleep. Looking closer, the blonde saw the pink banshee had taken a seat on the queer's lap and held his hands against her cleavage. 

Shrugging, the blonde sat down, and started reading his new book, preparing for a long wait.

/./././ Five hours later, the time being 9 am /./././

With a puff of smoke, a silver haired man appeared and greeted them. "Yo! Sup bitches?"

The genin of team 7 look oddly at kakashi, before the pink banshee finally snapped. "YOU'RE LATE!"

Waving his hands placatingly, the silver haired man spoke. "Mah... I was on my way here, when i smelled smoke. I looked and saw the Hokage tower was on fire! So, who better to save the day than your super cool sensei! Eh?"

This time the queer yelled. "LIES!"

Kakashi looked down at the queer, questioningly. "Oh really?"

Sasuke then nodded, mad glint in his eyes. "YA REALLY!"

Shrugging, the silver haired man spoke. "Well, i guess it's time we got our first mission! Meet me at Hokage tower. GO TEAM!" he finished, then disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Shortly thereafter, Naruto also disappeared in his patented purple puff of girly smoke, soon followed by the queer and the banshee running for dear life towards hokage tower.

* * *

Team 7 now stood in front of the wise old man, a.k.a hokage. The old man had on a pair of black shades, and was playing a sad tune on his harmonica. Kakashi cleared his throat to get the old geezer's attention. "AH HEM!" 

The old man looked up and saw the team, then grinned. "Naruto-kun! It's so good to see you, how's life been treating you?" he said looking at the blonde questioningly.

The blonde shrugged, "Not much. Same old, same old. Wake up. Get clean. Escape pedophiles and molesters. You know?" he said.

Clearing his throat, kakashi spoke in his most serious, military voice. "Team seven reporting for mission."

The old man grinned, and gave them a mission paper. "There ya go, a VERY special D-rank delivery mission."

Kakashi nodded, and began to read the mission parameters out loud.

"People to deliver to. :Konohamaru, Moegi and Udon."

"Time restriction : Before 25th of december, today being the 24th."

"Object to deliver: Black magical rock, that generates power when heated..."

Kakshi's eyes widened comically. "You want us to give your grandson and his friends coal for christmas?" he finished incredulously.

The old man nodded in a wise and sage-like manner. "Yes. I'm sure they will appreciate the value of good ol' coal." he said loudly, then muttered softly, so that noone can hear, "Little bastards..."

Team seven nodded in union, then left the office.

* * *

Arriving at Sarutobi estate, Team 7 seven saw someone familiar just leaving from the front door. He had spikey black hair, wore black shades, and wore a low profile trench coat, hiding his face from prying eyes. Sakura was the first to speak. "Shino! What are you doing here?" 

The stranger, now identified as Shino, looked at the pink banshee, and then looked around suspiciously. He then opened both left and right sides of his trench coat, allowing Sakura and the other's of team seven to see.

Shino then spoke, "Over here i have some top of the quality watches, selling at half their original price. These babies don't normally come this cheap." he said indicating to the left side of his trench coat. "And over here I have some, cocaine and left over hand made doobies, not cheap." he said indicating the right side of his trench coat.

Kakashi was the first to state the obvious. "Shino... Why are you selling illegal things?"

The drug dealer shrugged. "The pimpin' business doesn't work too well here in Konoha, Y'know? What with all the brothels." he said, secretly cursing brothels world-wide.

Team seven looked oddly at Shino, before moving on to Sarutobi estate. They knocked the door and a butler opened up. "Yeeeeeees?" he drawled.

Kakashi spoke. "We're here to deliver three packages to Konohamaru, and his friends."

The butler nodded curtly, and led the way. "Follow me, commoners." he said, nose up high. Following the butler, they saw a big screen t.v on loudly, a cartoon girl having sex with another cartoon girl.

The butler eventually stopped in front of a door, and motioned to it. "The master and his friends are in here. Good day." he said, then walked off, to go watch hentai on the big screen t.v.

Giving the door a curt knock, Team seven waited for permission to enter. "Come in man!"

Opening the door they saw Konohamaru sitting on the ground, inhaling a fat doobie, then blowing out rings of smoke. Moegi and Udon were each busy sniffing some cocaine, laid out on the table. Konohamaru spoke. "Heeeeey man. What 'choo need?"

Kakashi's eyebrow twitched, while Naruto walked forward with girly grace, and spoke. "We're here to deliver three packages from the old man, Konohamaru-kun." he said, voice remaining sexy all the way.

Instantly three excited kids were in front of team seven, grabbing their gifts.

Udon and moegi opened there's first and glared at the black rock they found in their parcels.

When Konohamaru had finally opened his, he let out a whoop. "ALL RIGHT! A black magical stone that provides power when heated! JUST WHAT I WANTED!"

Team seven sweat dropped here, and Moegi gave Konohamaru five repeating bitch-slaps. "That's COAL, Kon-kun!"

Konohamaru blinked, then turned to Moegi. "Yeah, so?"

The two eventually broke out into a large argument about the benefits and side effects of using coal as a narcotic substance. Meanwhile team seven left.

* * *

And so, in this fashion, team seven did mundane D-rank missions for about two months, until the pink banshee couldn't take it any more. 

"THATS IT! Give us a decent mission old man! How am I supposed to have Sasu-chan's babies if we're wasting time on these missions!?"

The wise old man, tapped his chin thoughtfully, and then nodded. "Okay. I'll trust you kids with a C-rank, but only because you did that D-rank where you massaged my wrinkly old feet."

Snapping the fingers on both of his hands in the air, the old man spoke. "Crazy, cool, yeah! Snap snap."

With that, the door to the hokage's office opened, allowing a drunken old man to enter.

The hokage spoke. "This is Tazuna-san, you will be escorting him back to his home."

Team seven nodded seriously. The seriousness was broken when the drunken old man spoke. "HEY! Why did you give me thish? -hic- All I shee is a grey haired porno lover, two girls, and a gay looking little boy. YOU WANT MEH TO DIE?"

Naruto had ignored the girl comment, when he spoke. "Don't worry Tazuna-san... If any bandits attack us and run away with you, then have their dirty way with you, we'll do our best to find you and protect you."

Everyone in the office sweat dropped.

Shrugging, Kakashi spoke. "Meet me at the east gate in, say... 2 hours. BYE KIDS!" that said, he vanished in a puff of smoke.

Naruto nodded, then vanished in his own purple puff of smoke.

Tazuna scratched his chin, then spoke. "So i've got two hours to blow the last bit of my money on some hookers heh? Beter hurry up!" he said, and then rushed out of the office.

* * *

And that's another chapter. Sorry if it's crap or too badly butchered, I'm only getting started with this whole parody shit. 

Thanks for reading, don't forget to review.

Sayonara.

* * *


End file.
